Losing a child is not natural. I was so conscious that the rain falls and sweeps the dust away and am reminded of the beautiful lives of everyone that has passed and those lives that have settled back to the new normal on earth. This morning my prayer reaches deep into the hearts of those who hurt, family members that have protected me by showing me support rather than their excruciating pain. I too see and feel for those that walk beside me in the sorrow, simply allowing me to be and a year later I see my growth . I see the survival instinct that God has exquisitely constructed in our make up. I hear Christ’s words that says “in this life you will have troubles and trials…in me you will have peace” I read Scott Pecks words that tells us life is difficult!
And yet I have felt that peace as if I looked inside me with a magnifying glass wondering how I myself had coped with the death of my own flesh, my little boy Joshua of 19 months who was welcomed into heaven a year ago and yes, I would lie if I said there was no pain, there is. BUT I choose to believe the earth does not exist for a time so short, I choose to believe there is life after death , I choose to believe my son is growing up in heaven because … My faith is as simple as a child’s, and … the bible tells me so. I felt the loss God did when I looked upon my son dead, I felt the despair and sadness that God must have faced when His own son was crucified and for what? What did Christ ever do that harmed anyone? What did my son do to deserve death or anyone of us to deserve seeing the cruelties of this life. I choose to see the love – the biggest commandment taught to us as Christians. My friend says heaven is a thin veil running beside us, earth is not perfect yet we spend our lives seeking out that perfection, and that my friends is called ,” working out your salvation…with fear and trembling,” because, it is not easy. Yet God has placed in us the tools we need to feel the highs of love and the darkness of pain .
Today marks a year of empty pockets filled with empty to do lists because I no longer need to be mother to Joshua. But I still have another pocket over filled , with my other precious children, my husband, my extended family, my church family, with me and with you. Today marks a farewell to one year of loss, life carries on cruelly at times, yet it carries on with a joy because of God s Grace upon me that picks me up in my weakness, that lays me down to deep slumber , and that equips me to walk one step at a time until we meet Joshua again. My daughter had a dream the night before the accident, a tsunami came , but we were not hurt. My son felt the wholeness of our family. And today we still are whole despite the empty chair. My imagination equips me to see Josh there with us , next to us, only a thin veil between him and us. My other friend commented on my faith, how strongly I believe in the existence of God, invisible to the eye, yet felt and seen in the signs of this natural world . The sight comes from somewhere deep inside us. A knowing, and in the same way Josh lives on. May this comfort those that have lost their children, may it bring hope to them as it did to me.
We are broken vessels bound together with the glue of a father’s heart and adorned with the gold refined in the furnace of fire for such a time as this…so that we can dance upon injustice and live in the hope of Christ Jesus and see with open eyes, the clues and the signs that edge us along the journey of life’s terrain, equipped to face drought , wilderness and forest, seas rough and high.
One simple truth, the truth that has brought me and my family to mark this day…we hung on for all our life, we hung on and chose to look up into the eyes of the “Son” that continues to warm our hearts , heal our brokenness and love us. If you have been used to be God s hands in aiding us along…thank you, your messages, meals and merriment has been an invaluable show of God s love for us.